The Partnership

I’m tired of the adversarial language surrounding ADHD. Why am I trying to overcome something that’s part of who I am? Why do I try to trick myself into things? What might happen if I embrace it instead, fully accept the limitations ADHD brings, and start learning how to dance with such an erratic partner?

What is the Dance?

This dance isn’t like the waltz we learned in grade school, where one person leads and the other goes where they’re guided. No, I think of this as more like a pas de deux in ballet, or pairs in figure skating. In both of these, the dancers each have their own part to play and dance independently, then come together for particular moments. If there is no trust, no cooperation, things can go tragically wrong.

In ballet, the pas de deux is usually performed by a male and a female dancer. The male is larger and stronger, and his job is to catch, lift, and support the female as she completes daring acrobatic feats. If the male isn’t on the ball, the female could be seriously injured.

The same expectations apply to pairs figure skating, with the male also being required to throw the female and catch her safely on the way down—stunts that can result in both skaters being hurt badly through a fall and/or skate blades.

With the analogy I’m making here, I don’t think the ADHD is always the male or always the female partner. Rather, I think it’s one of those situations where the support changes depending on the situation. Sometimes the ADHD is the stronger partner, sometimes it’s the one that needs to be caught.

Relaxing into the Dance

As I said above, without trust and cooperation, dancers and skaters risk injury. If there is a mismatch between the partners, there is a risk of injury. And if they are not relaxed, they risk injury. That last is true for soloists, as well.

Being relaxed doesn’t mean flopping around. If you watch world-class dancers and skaters, you will see that they are precise and exacting while also appearing loose and relaxed. This relaxed approach comes from years of practice and study, which leads to confidence.

So in this dance with ADHD, how do we achieve that same level of confidence?

I’m not totally sure yet, but I’m going to try and work it out. I do think that part of it may involve “if… then…” notation (kind of like in computer programming), so you have steps to follow in different situations.

Executive Dysfunction and the Productivity Myth

Part of the problem with current society is the emphasis on “productivity”. In the dance we’re facing with ADHD, executive dysfunction is the name of the game. In our dance (or at least in mine), productivity isn’t the goal. Rather, the goal is to have a good life and to accomplish personal goals. (This is a type of productivity, but I envision it as being far more personal than society does. Society doesn’t care about people doing their own things, just about people doing things that look productive to the world.)

When your dance partner is as inconsistent as ADHD, you need different standards from the rest of the world. You need to remember that you are probably doing what you can at that moment. Other people won’t be able to see it, but you’re the one inside your head. You know what you’re capable of at any given time, and it’s important to honour that.

Here’s the thing, though: honouring our abilities and inabilities doesn’t mean following our whims, letting ADHD wreak havoc in our lives and the lives of those around us, or just generally refusing to take responsibility for the things that don’t work out. That’s not how life works, and it’s not how the dance works.

Rather, we honour ourselves, our ADHD, and the dance by learning what to expect of ourselves in different situations and by learning how to manage unexpected situations. This is going to require some introspection, because we need to know ourselves and our ADHD really well to do both of these things, but I promise it’s worth it.

All of the executive functions can be difficult and exhausting for anyone, not just ADHDers. We’re just more likely to struggle and likely to tire out more quickly.

Attention, Focus, Distraction

The thing most people imagine first when they hear “ADHD” (probably due to the name) is someone who can’t pay attention to anything for any length of time. That’s why people are so confused when we hyperfocus. “You can’t have ADHD, you can focus on X!”

I’ve put Attentional Control, Cognitive Inhibition, and Self-Monitoring under this category because they’re all related, and similar strategies will apply.

The dance here is all about preparation. You need to know what time of day is best for you to do things that require your attention. You need to know how often active breaks will be necessary and whether you should keep snacks on hand so you can eat while working, not to mention which fidget/stim toys are best for which situations. You need to know what kinds of things trigger hyperfocus so you can order your activities appropriately. For example, I know that I hyperfocus on books and on computer stuff, so if I want to do anything else in a day, I should do that before I start reading or go on the computer.

Self-Monitoring is how you know the details you need for everything else. You need to monitor your internal state, your energy levels, your bodily needs (e.g., hunger, bathroom), and so on. Get to know yourself as well as you possibly can, and use that knowledge to your advantage. This is how you master the dance.


The next thing people imagine about ADHD is someone who does all kinds of things at inappropriate times, says things without thinking, and is physically hyperactive. I’ve grouped Cognitive Flexibility, Goal-Directed Behaviour, and Inhibitory Control under this category because these three executive functions are what most affect our behaviour.

This dance requires preparation and contingency plans. You need to know what to do if you make a misstep or something doesn’t go as planned. You need to know what others expect and consider appropriate behaviour in different situations, and you need to know what expectations you’re going to be able to meet based on your energy levels and emotional state. (Hence the need for Self-Monitoring!)


The third thing that is commonly associated with ADHD is disorganization, including being late for things. This category involves Organizational Skills, Planning, and Working Memory.

I don’t think there is one way of organizing things that is going to work for everyone. It’s important to make sure that you personalize your systems. How do you process information? How do you work best? Figure these things out and be aware that they may change over time.

And so this dance is all about organizing and re-organizing, learning new ways to stay on top of things, and remembering what to do when and where. You need to be prepared with materials and information. You need to have systems in place to help you remember things. You need to have strategies to organize your time and environment in a way that will benefit you.

With all three of these categories, it’s really important to remember that you are doing what you can as you can. Don’t beat yourself up if you make a mistake—they’re to be expected. Mistakes are learning opportunities: analyze them to see where things started to break down, so you can start tweaking them to keep that breakdown from happening again. Yes, it’s a lot of work, but it’s work that is really rewarding because it helps you create the life you want by accommodating your difficulties without completely dumping expectations.

We are Human Beings and We Deserve Respect

I think it’s particularly important to remember that you are a human being first and that ADHD and whatever other conditions you might be dealing with don’t negate that. Rather, they are all part and parcel of being human. And because you are a human being, you deserve to be treated with respect.

There’s a saying, “Respect isn’t given, it’s earned.” And sure, that’s true of one type of respect: the kind given to authoritarians, which isn’t true respect because it often goes one direction. Respect should be given, regardless, and it should be mutual. Yet even if someone is disrespectful, it’s better to respond with respect than to be nasty right back.

When I’ve moderated discussion forums online, my primary rule is that everyone should be respectful of each other. I admit to being imperfect in this regard—emotions get the better of me sometimes, just like everyone else—but that is always my goal. I know it is possible to disagree with someone on a very base level and still treat them with respect.

For me, this is a really basic level value. I believe that all human beings have an intrinsic worth that makes us worthy of being treated with dignity and respect. And so I do my best to live that value, though it can be difficult when I’m not being treated well.

How does this relate to everything I’ve talked about so far?

I think there’s a danger, when we come at our ADHD as an adversary, of becoming disrespectful of ourselves. I’ve seen it. I’ve done it. All of my negative self-talk, which is ever so automatic after a lifetime of it, is disrespectful lies.

“I can’t do anything right.” >> Patently false; anyone can see evidence to the contrary.

“I don’t matter.” >> Untrue. I have family and friends, and I have animals in my life that depend on my care.

“I’m so stupid.” >> Says the woman who did fairly well in school and got a Bachelor’s degree.

The weird part is that the disrespect is always over things like this. Things that aren’t true. If it’s true, I don’t put myself down about it. I’m gaslighting myself, and it’s really disconcerting. But I don’t think it’s an accident that these things are also things that my ADHD impacts. I make mistakes, I struggle, I am a people pleaser and a perfectionist.

In addition to the self-disrespect, we can run into disrespect from others. There’s the casual disrespect from friends and family: “Did you forget to take your meds this morning?” “You can’t possibly have ADHD because you aren’t exactly like me/my friend’s cousin/etc.” And from teachers/professors: “You don’t need extra time on tests.” “I don’t think you need a fidget toy in my class.”

And the kicker: disrespect from medical professionals.

I’m lucky in that I haven’t had to deal with this much in relation to my ADHD. But it’s something a lot of people contend with, and it sucks. My favourite recent one is when a family asked their doctor about ADHD as a possibility for their child, and the doctor said it wasn’t a thing because said child was “too calm”; parents asked about different presentations for girls vs boys, and the doctor said it wasn’t true. Child was confirmed ADHD by a psychologist who knew what they were doing.

I’m not going to get into why I think it happens, because it will probably sound like I’m excusing mistreatment and I’m sure there are studies on it anyway. What matters is that it does happen, and it’s never okay. (I also have ideas regarding the ways in which that doctor was right and wrong at the same time, but that’s for another post.)

You are a human being, and you deserve respect. You matter, simply because you are alive.

I don’t know you, but I know the dance you’re trying to learn—not all of the specifics, because all of our dances are different due to our different life circumstances—and I know it’s hard. I also know that it’s worth the struggle. It’s worth trying to learn how to work with ADHD’s inconsistency. It’s worth working on a particular step even if we perfect it just as we stop needing to use it. It’s worth all of the tears, the muscle strains, and the headaches.

I think the stumbles are part of the dance. I think that mistakes can be beautiful. I think that none of us will ever truly master the dance, and I think that’s okay because what matters in life is that we do our best. I think that embracing ourselves fully, respecting ourselves and our difficulties while taking responsibility for our mistakes, is a really hard thing to do but also the most rewarding thing we can do.

This dance isn’t one and done. It’s a daily slog. Every day we recommit to learning the steps and doing our best to fully respect ourselves. Every day we’re faced with new steps to learn, because every day is different. (At least we’ll never be bored, right?)

I think I may have mixed my metaphors a little too much in this piece, but here it is anyway. I hope my meaning comes across. I hope the linked YouTube videos help to illustrate what I’m talking about. Any questions, please ask. I will try to be more concrete in my replies.

(No printables this time, I don’t know what I would do. Just… watch the videos and leave comments on this post, maybe write your own post and link back here. I’m interested in what you think about all this.)


Goal-Setting for ADHDers, Part 4

So you’ve done all the work, and you have a to-do list made of small steps/tasks. But that list is kinda long, and it’s hard to get through. Some days, you can’t even get started on the first thing, because the whole list is just too much.

I’ve got you, don’t worry! There are a few ways to cut down the overwhelm, and that’s what we’re going to get into today.

Pinnable image for this post. Illustration of a man holding a long sheet of paper, looking stressed out. The paper says "What should I do?" on it..

Method the First: Use Categories

Remember how I suggested categorizing your life into different areas? Well, apply those categories to your to-do list. I highly recommend colour-coding your categories and using highlighters on the list.

Once you have everything categorized, you can split the list into multiple smaller lists instead. These smaller lists will be less overwhelming. Then you can have set times each day when you work on tasks from specific categories.

If these category lists are still too much, fear not! We have more options to cover.

Method the Second: Prioritization

Prioritizing can be pretty hard, but here are a couple of ways you can assign priorities to your tasks.

  • Order by due date. The tasks that are due soonest are higher priority than things that are due later on.
  • Order by how much you want to do things. I recommend alternating between things you don’t want to do and things you do want to do, just to make sure you get the unfun stuff done.

Method the Third: Triplets

Start with categories and prioritization, then group everything by what you need or where you need to do the different tasks. Then do the tasks in what I call “triplets”: groups of three tasks with a break after the third task.

Method the Fourth: Goals & gravy

When I’m having a Bad Brain Day, it can really help to set myself “Goals & gravy.”

Goals are important things that I need to get done, and I choose three.

Meanwhile, gravy is made of three tasks that I would like to get done but that aren’t vital.

I like to do a Goal and then a gravy, so gravy is like a reward for doing Goals. The best part is that if I do any of the other things on my list, it’s extra!

So there you have it: four ways to manage to-do list overwhelm! And that concludes our month of goal-setting. I hope some of the information has been helpful for you this month. Join me next week as I introduce February’s focus!

Goal-Setting for ADHDers, Part 3

The last two parts of this series were probably daunting. Makes sense; all this stuff is hard! I mean, I enjoy doing all the planning part, but I have a tendency to over-complicate everything, which naturally makes it easier for it to break down, fall apart, explode in my face.

So how do we set goals, and how do we achieve them, or at least make decent progress on them?

That’s what I’m going to talk about today.

It’s all about simplicity and making things habits.

“But J!” I hear you say, “I have ADHD! I can’t be consistent enough to make something a habit! I chafe at the rigidity of routines! I need variety in my life!”

What if I told you that it’s possible for ADHDers to:

  • Create new habits and
  • Enjoy following routines, all while
  • Incorporating the novelty and variety that our brains crave?

Sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it? Well, it kind of is. Because doing all of this, getting a system in place and maintaining it, isn’t easy. It’s hard work. But it’s worth the effort.

Pinnable image for this post.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve read both Tiny Habits (BJ Fogg) and Atomic Habits (James Clear). Neither book contained new information, but both provided a reframe on how we form habits and why stuff is hard.

First things first, let’s talk about behaviour. There’s a whole branch of psychology that studies behaviour and how people (and animals) learn to do or not do things. Behaviourism as a discipline isn’t awful, but some of the ways this knowledge is applied certainly are. Happily, what we’re going to discuss here is pretty neutral.

The basics of behaviour are pretty simple.

  1. Antecedent—The “trigger” for the behaviour.
  2. Behaviour—What you do in response to the antecedent.
  3. Consequence—What happens as a result of the behaviour.

When you’re trying to figure out how to change a behaviour, it helps a lot if you can figure out what’s going on when you do it and how you feel during or afterwards. That’s where your “why” is hiding.

The other part that’s most important to understand is how the interplay of motivation and ability affect your ability to change your behaviour. Here’s a really simple graph to illustrate.

Illustration of a graph where motivation is on the left vertical axis, with low at the bottom and high at the top; ability is on the bottom horizontal axis, with hard to do on the left and easy to do on the right. The line of the graph starts at the top left (high motivation) and moves toward the bottom right (easy to do), travelling mostly vertically for two-thirds of the height and then slowly curving so that it begins to travel almost horizontally for the right two-thirds of the graph. The space below this line is teal, and it contains the words "Prompts don't work"; the space above the line is white and contains the words "Prompts work."

Motivation is on the left, and ability is across the bottom. The curvy diagonal line is the “sweet spot” where the behaviour is most likely to occur. You’ll notice that when motivation is low, then it needs to be easy to do or it won’t happen. If you’re really motivated to do it, then it’s okay if it’s more difficult.

We’ll, that’s how it works for neurotypical people, at least. Executive dysfunction means our graph is way messier and not so straightforward. But! If we make things as easy as possible, then often we can sidestep our executive dysfunction and actually get stuff done.

In Tiny Habits, BJ Fogg gives a really simple “recipe” for building a habit.

“After I [Antecedent] I will [Smallest first step possible] and I will celebrate by [something that makes you feel great when you do it].”

Tiny Habits, BJ Fogg

There are two things that are really important with the Tiny Habits method. First is the Antecedent, or trigger. Another way to think of this is as a prompt. That’s why the recipe begins with “after…”: the new behaviour is something you’re going to do after something you already do all the time. It’s important to note that if you have low motivation to do something and it is really difficult, then that prompt isn’t going to work.

The other important part of this method is to celebrate immediately after you complete the new behaviour. This ties the excited feeling and burst of dopamine to doing that thing, which will help you remember to do it again next time. Remember, the ADHD brain has trouble with dopamine; most of us either don’t have enough or we don’t use it effectively. That means we are always looking for more. So anything that gives us that surge is something we’re going to want to do more often.

James Clear talks a bit about this (he’s done some studying under Dr Fogg), but his book takes things further and smaller (hence “atomic”—he’s going smaller than tiny). I’ve incorporated both books into my current approach to life and seen some success. So I’m going to explain it now.

The first thing is to figure out what you already do. It doesn’t have to be precise, just make a list of what you do every day, in order. You can do this for several days in a row and then see where things repeat—for example, I get up every morning and use the bathroom, then I make the bed and get dressed, and then I do my hair.

Now that you know what you do, it’s time to decide what you’re going to add.

Just like last week, we begin by dividing our lives into 5 or 6 different categories. This is important because we don’t want to take on too much. The point here is to make stuff easier, not to make it all as complicated as possible!

Now you get to daydream a little. Think about the things you value about each life category, and think about people you know or characters from TV, movies, or books (etc.) who exhibit those values and qualities. The idea is to think about what kinds of things those people do that reflect their values, because that’s going to get you to the next step.

Write down the things those people do and the values and qualities they exhibit. Then write yourself a positive statement that attributes all of these things to you. Start this sentence with “I am the kind of person who…”

You’re probably feeling a bit weird about writing something like “I am the kind of person who puts things away and does the dishes every day” if your house is a perpetual disaster. The thing is, this isn’t lying, it’s stating your values in a positive way, to remind you what’s important to you and why you’re doing the things you’re doing. It’s an aspirational message: you aren’t there yet, but you’re working on it and you’re doing your best.

Once you have a statement for each life category, you get to pick one thing in each that you’re going to start doing. Except you’re going to make that one thing the absolute smallest thing you can possibly think of.

Let’s say that you have a life category for physical health, and your statement is “I am the kind of person who eats well and exercises regularly.”

Thinking about people who eat well, you decide that you want to start eating more vegetables. But that’s pretty vague, and vegetables can be time-consuming to prepare, and they can be expensive.

So you decide to have fresh vegetables for an afternoon snack every day, and that you will get bags of baby carrots or snap peas, or a prepared veggie tray for this purpose every week when you get groceries.

You decide to keep these snacks on the top shelf of the fridge so you see them when you go looking for something to eat.

Your “recipe” reads as follows: “After I feel hungry in the afternoon, I will eat one fresh vegetable as a snack, and I will celebrate by clapping my hands.”

Most things you’re going to consider doing will require a bit of prep work, as with the example of eating more vegetables. The key is to keep the prep simple (e.g., by buying vegetables that are ready to eat and don’t need to be cut up or anything) and set yourself up for success by making whatever you need easily accessible (e.g., by putting the vegetables in a visible location in the fridge). Oh, and you definitely need to choose vegetables that you like and will want to eat!

So I think we’ve covered all of the important bits here. We’ve tied eating vegetables to afternoon hunger and made it easy to remember to eat the vegetables and to actually eat them. We want to be healthy, and we like the vegetables we’ve chosen. We’re celebrating as soon as we’ve eaten the vegetables. All of these things will help us turn eating vegetables into a habit.

What about consistency?

Well, James Clear likes to track his habits and he does regular data reviews and stuff. If you like tracking stuff and like data, go ahead. But it’s not necessary. In fact, BJ Fogg says that the common factoid of “it takes 28 days to form a habit” isn’t really true. And if you miss your habit one day, just do your best to do it again the next day.

That’s it. That’s how you do it. Be as consistent as you can, but don’t worry too much about a missed day here and there.

Obviously breaking things down can be hard. Same with figuring out how to set yourself up for success. But that is part of what Actually ADHD (and its sibling Tumblr, “How Do Thing?“) is for. So if you need help with any of that, don’t be afraid of the ask boxes!

Next week we’ll finish up this month of goal-setting by talking about a strategy I find helpful on Bad Brain Days, and we’ll talk about that all-important “immediacy factor.”

F is for Fidgeting

The kid who squirms in his seat during class.

The teen who jiggles her leg under her desk while writing a test.

The young adult whose post-secondary lecture notes are covered in doodles.

The working adult who clicks pens during meetings.

The stay-at-home mom whose feet twitch constantly while she’s reading a picture book to her preschooler.

It’s annoying to other people. Sometimes it’s annoying to us. It makes people think we’re nervous. It makes them think we want to be doing something else.

It’s fidgeting.

Fidgeting is the common word for the little things people do to help ground themselves and maintain their focus. Neurotypical people don’t do it as often as neurodiverse people do, but they do it all the same. Sometimes our stuff is more obvious than the neurotypical stuff, is all.

It’s all a type of stimming.

“Stimming” is short for “sensory stimulation” and it refers to the things we do to positively impact our sensory systems. You’ll usually see it used in conjunction with autism, because autistic people do it the most, but all people who have developmental disorders stim, and that means ADHDers stim, too.

Stimming can calm us if we’re feeling overwhelmed.

It can help us focus if we’re struggling.

It can keep our bodies in motion so that our ears and eyes can do their jobs better.

Sometimes a stim or fidget is disruptive, and that’s when we have to find other ways to get the same sensory input. It makes no sense to replace pacing with tapping your knee if what you need is the gross motor vestibular input. Rocking on an inflated rubber seat cushion would probably work much better in such an instance.

The important thing to remember is that we often don’t do these things consciously, and if we do make the conscious decision it’s because we recognize how we’re feeling and have realized that doing this particular thing makes us feel better. So finding ways to accommodate fidgeting/stimming is vital to our success.

How do you fidget or stim, and in what situations?

C is for Children

Naturally, the idea of ADHD is that it is a disorder of childhood. More attention to adults has been granted over the past couple of decades, but by and large the image is still that of hyperactive little boys. In fact, some insurance agencies don’t cover treatment for adults, and some doctors refuse to even refer adults to be assessed!

But let’s talk about ADHD in children for just a moment, shall we?

Because there are a few things we do need to discuss.

ADHD begins in childhood. Just when, nobody is certain, but the diagnostic criteria state that symptoms must be present prior to age 12 in order to qualify for the diagnosis. Given what we know about typical child development and what is impacted by ADHD, it’s not something that should really be diagnosed prior to age seven.

So here’s the why of all of that.

The behaviours that generally signify ADHD in children (e.g., extreme hyperactivity and/or chattiness, disorganization, lack of focus) are developmentally not fully in place prior to age seven. This means that it is totally possible for a three-year-old to be literally climbing the walls at preschool and not meet the criteria for ADHD by age seven.

In addition, most of what we know about ADHD and how it manifests is based on research performed on male children. It’s only recently (in terms of the science world) that research has been done on females. This means that females are often not recognized as having ADHD, because their behaviours are different from their male fellow ADHDers, even when they have the same type of ADHD.

And on top of all of that, some races and classes are more likely to get the ADHD diagnosis than others. Some are more likely to be dismissed as just being unintelligent or problem students, while others are more likely to end up with medication without a proper assessment, because it’s just easier to diagnose on the fly and get the parents/school out of your face.

All of these things mean that the world of ADHD is tricky to navigate and confusing for people who are newly diagnosed as well as for those who were diagnosed in childhood.

How old were you at diagnosis? Do you have any thoughts as to why it happened then?

B is for Behaviour

ADHD gets treated like it’s a behaviour problem when it isn’t.

That is, the behaviour can be a problem, but that doesn’t mean it should be addressed using behaviour management techniques like behaviour charts, behaviour contracts, and token systems.

See, the things we do as ADHDers are usually related to one of our particular symptoms. This means that we really don’t have a lot of control over how much we talk to our neighbours in class at school, whether or not we’re on time for work, or how well we keep our rooms clean. It’s not that we don’t care about the rules, it’s that we’re impulsive and act before thinking things through completely, we have no real concept of time (it’s fluid and not concrete at all), and we lack the ability to make and follow plans as quickly and easily as non-ADHDers often do.

So when a teacher at school implements one of those behaviour management charts for the whole class, say the kind with the clothespins that move up and down depending on the student’s behaviour, the kids with ADHD (whether or not they’re diagnosed) are going to either focus so hard on meeting those behavioural expectations that they can’t actually take in any of what they’re supposed to be learning, or they’re going to “act out” and lose points every single day but probably will learn more of the material.

Or when a manager or boss writes up an ADHD employee for being late too often and provides a list of what they need to do to correct the issue without discussing possible solutions with the employee, the ADHDer is probably going to struggle to meet these expectations and end up getting fired even though they’re doing their best.

And when a parent tidies up their child’s room when said child is not at home and throws out things that are important to the child (sometimes without realizing it’s important), it erodes the relationship between the child and parent, and it does nothing to help the child begin to look after the cleaning on their own.

What generally will work better in each of these hypothetical situations?

Well, the teacher might discuss the problem with the student and involve them in figuring out ways to be less of a disruption in class. That might mean fidget toys or a seat at the back of the room with permission to pace, or a seat at the front of the room with regular check-ins during class.

The manager might discuss the importance of timeliness with the employee and offer a couple of suggested helps, such as changing start and end times or setting timers to help get out the door.

And the parent might offer to help the child clean up their room right from the start. If the child is older, they might work together to create a map of the room and determine the step they need to follow to get the room cleaned up, and then make a checklist for regular weekly cleaning that the child can follow.

What is a way you’ve been helped by making adjustments to situations instead of struggling to meet expectations? Have you been hindered by the use of behaviour management techniques? In what way?